The Emerald Heart Retreat in Sweden, in August 2013, and the next one in Lanzarote, in January 2014, were the very first Emerald Heart Retreats I participated in. I feel I am ready to share what these have brought me.
To comprehend the meaning of the changes that these powerful retreats gifted me, you need to know a little bit about me and my body. I have always had great difficulties accepting being on Earth. Why? I could never connect with my body. My body always felt like a thing, rather than being part of me. So I used it as a thing, as a machine. I abused my body without realising this. I let my body be abused without realising this. For, what else was a body for than to obey to my demands and my desires?
When I collapsed in December 2001 I did not understand at all why. Why did my body refuse to get up, every morning again, year after year? It took me many lonely years to understand why. I was in shock when I realised that I was not a victim of circumstances. No, nobody but me, myself and I had depleted my body until it was about to die, and I eventually ended up in a wheelchair. The Japanese language has a word for the state I had almost reached. Karoshi. Death caused by overwork. Death caused by depleting one’s system by total misunderstanding and total disconnection of the body – this is how I understand the word karoshi these days.
I had to learn to take care of myself, instead of giving myself and my energy away. To heal my system I learned all kinds of healing modalities. I became a Reiki master, then graduated from 5 years study at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing and also became a ThetaHealing Practitioner.
The Sweden Retreat
Next, in August 2011 – thanks to Yvonne Hrdy in Munich – I took my very first Emerald Heart essence, created by David Ashworth. Extreme Forgiveness it was called, and it hit my heart like a bomb. Through many years of working in healing, I had never felt anything like it. Since then I have been taking many essences and also, Full Light Programs. They all brought insight after insight about me, my life and my body. Many questions started to rise up from my core. What is being a woman? What does it mean to have a body? What to do with a feminine body? What does it mean, being feminine? How does it work, embodying the mother figure, whilst not having children? The Light brought to the surface all the issues, which I had around having a feminine body, all those issues which I had buried so successfully by living a life of duty and overwork, abusing my body as the best workhorse for the companies I dedicated my life-force to.
I was so impressed by the revelations in my life that I knew I had to train with The Emerald Heart. So I did. As soon as I began, the acceleration was unbelievable. Within only a couple of years, the Light has unlocked me to the point that I am now a leading Practitioner.
In December 2012 I started to work with David Ashworth, the original channel of The Emerald Heart Light. The first thing he said was, “Your main issues are Fear of Love and Self Hatred.” Fear of Love and Self Hatred? I could not connect with his conclusions at all, but trusted all the Essences and Light Programs he gave me to overcome the issues so deeply hidden in my subconscious.
During spring 2013 the Light brought me many insights. For the fact that they were insights, I was able to welcome them, but their contents shocked me time after time. Here they come. I am ashamed of my body. I am ashamed of being a woman. I hate women. I look down upon women. Being a woman = being not good enough. Being a woman = being Bad. I am afraid of women. I am afraid of my mother. I am afraid of Mother Earth. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of my body. I am afraid of the power that resides in my body. I am afraid of my power. I am terrified of being me.
In the summer of 2013 I felt called to participate in the Emerald Heart Retreat in Sweden. Of course during the retreat days the power of the Light enlarged my issues. As the Emerald Heart Light = Pure Divine Love, I felt held and safe too. It is on the 27th of August, the 3rd retreat day, when I start to understand the immense power of the Emerald Heart Light. On that morning, the day after the nurturing session with Lynne Shaw and the Mother’s Heart Essence, my breasts suddenly are different. My breasts, the ultimate signature of being a woman, part of my shame, have become firmer. Just overnight! Also, a certain hollowness between them and my chest is gone. My bosom has become part of me and my body… I suddenly have New Boobs. The texture of their cells feels totally different. They are filled instead of hollow. These cells are suddenly filled with Love. It will be a permanent change. That night I have gone over the threshold of accepting my breasts.
The Lanzarote Retreat
Five months later, in January 2014, I participate in the Emerald Heart Retreat on Lanzarote. A week afterwards, back home, under the shower, my bosom suddenly strikes me. Again my breasts are firmer. While I wash myself, I realize that the rest of my body feels firmer as well. My flesh, 50 years old, ready to surrender to gravity, has changed. The texture of all my flesh has become different. The harshness with which I always approached my body is not reflected by my cells anymore. My cells are full. My flesh feels nurtured. My body is filled with Love.
On Lanzarote, the first Retreat day we received the essence Extreme Gratitude to give thanks to our past. I go through a difficult night, full of darkness. Deep hatred wells up out of all my cells. Disgust too. Disgust about having a womb, hate against being a woman. ‘Being a woman is the lowest of the lowest’ is the voice that comes out of my own darkness. I feel trapped in my body. I am overwhelmed by absolute terror and for at least half an hour I tremble in bed. I am terrified of myself, of my body, of not being able to escape my existence.
As always, the Emerald Heart Light purifies your darkness and thus pulls you into the Light again. I end the Retreat with the essence of Extreme Acceptance of the Now and Extreme Optimism about living in a female body – supported by the essences with these names. Yes, I forgive myself for misunderstanding and therefore mistreating my body. I suddenly remember that Extreme Forgiveness was the name of my very first Emerald Heart essence, two and a half years ago…
Since my first steps on the Emerald Heart path, on 11 August 2011, I have entered a huge cleansing journey. Difficulties in this lifetime for being a woman, ancestral pains of the women in my family line, past lives filled with abuse for being a woman, it all is being revealed, step by step. And day by day the Emerald Heart Light helps me to step out of my Fear of Love and Self Hatred, and into Self Love. The fact that my body cells have now responded and that there are actual physical changes, shows clearly that the subtle bodies, (mental, emotional and spiritual) have already gone through change.
David, I thank you for accepting the courage to anchor the Emerald Heart Light into the world. I thank you for the amazing essences you brought forward. I thank you for your powerful retreats. I thank you for all the opportunities the Emerald Heart gives me to heal myself on levels that were not long ago completely subconscious to me. I thank you for being You.
I bless you with the Light of the Emerald Heart.
Harriët Kroon, Emerald Heart Practitioner